Talking

So I've talked to my parents. Well mostly my father, who is more prone to explaining things in a calm and rational manner. Although I still feel the way I do, it's made me understand their view point a little bit better, and has helped me feel capable of speaking to my mother. Although my father has rather unrealistic expectations of a curfew (9pm was his first suggestion, it's ridiculous. 10:30 isn't much better), he has his reasons. He's concerned about me. My mother expects me to know what she thinks is right and wrong without her telling me.

I can talk to my father. I cannot talk to my mother. Especially after today, when she accused me of trying to manipulate her by my reaction. Yes, it may have been over-dramatic, but what was I supposed to think her throwing me out of the house meant? She expects me to completely understand her viewpoint and using petty emotional manipulation in order to get my way?

It's insane, and something she tries to bring up every time she says something that makes me cry. For everyone out there, I can't cry on cue. I also can't make myself eventually cry. She feels guilty, but doesn't think that she should. So she thinks that I'm trying to emotionally manipulate her. She never tries to actually talk to me.

The relationship between me and my mother is fucked up. There are times when she treats me like an equal, mostly because she's looking for a way to deal with my brothers, and there are other times where she likes to act like she's supreme ruler and no one should question her. She also likes to act like everyone else thinks like she does, even if she does admit on occasion that not everyone does. It's confusing, and I would like a mother that takes time to explain things to me and gives me a chance to express myself emotionally without accusing me of manipulation. Also for her to genuinely comfort me when I feel distraught.

I'm not intentionally putting down my mother. She does everything she has to in order to keep us fed and comfortable. She's a good mother because she pushes me and my brothers to do well in school and to get an education, and makes sure that we take advantage of the opportunities presented to us. The problem, at least between her and I, is that we have two completely different viewpoints in life. We disagree on a lot of things and that makes it very hard to get along.

New Name

So I've changed the name of my blog. In my first post, I mentioned that I was naming the blog Mari-Cris as an homage to my mother, who I felt that I didn't give enough credit to. It's still true, I don't give her enough credit. She works tirelessly for me and my brothers, makes sure we take advantage of every opportunity, and pushes us to do well in school in order to do better than she has in life. Although she is hardly home due to her job, she is an overall good mother.

Tonight we had a fight. A fight that led me to change the name of this blog.

We were talking about boundaries, because she has some unrealistic expectations about when I should be home. I'm not coming home at 2 in the morning and complaining about her saying it's too late. I come home at 15 minutes before 10 in the evening and she says it's too late. We got into an argument which led me to ask what her boundaries were because how I am supposed to follow her rules if I don't know what they are? Maybe she thinks I'm psychic or something.

This led to a rather confusing boundary of hers.

Apparently if I decide to spend the night at my boyfriend's house then I better be prepared to live with him. The implication being that she will kick me out of the house if I sleep over his house. It's not even about having sex. Apparently if I have sex with him and go home, it's fine but if sleep over I get kicked out. It's a confusing rule with no reason to it. I asked her why, and she gave no other reason other than I am disrespecting my home.

I don't understand this.

Maybe it's because me and my mother have two vastly different ways of looking at things. She was raised in Guatemala for most of her formative years, coming over to the United States when she was in her twenties. I was raised in the United States, mostly by my grandmother, but have adopted most of the cultural norms. I am very much an American in my way of thinking. Despite our differences I still find it completely unbelievable and very hurtful that she would kick me out for sleeping over at my boyfriend's house.

For me, kicking your child out of your home is the same as kicking them out of your life. I don't know if she views it the same way as I do, but that's how I view it. It's not something that you can take back when you feel guilty about it.

I'm not saying that there is no reason to kick your child out of your house. There are reasons, but I feel that the reason my mother has given me is not enough to merit that action. It's like she's saying: this is how much I love you and respect you.

I know she's not saying it, and that's probably not even how she feels. But it feels like it. Mostly because I know that this would not even be an issue with my two younger brothers. It's not as if I am a bad or a difficult daughter. I get good grades, I follow her rules, I don't behave badly or speak to her with disrespect.

Her saying this really hurts me and on some level I have lost a good deal of respect that I have for her. That she won't even acknowledge my pain, and ask me why I would cry over this hurts me even more.

Hours later and I'm still crying just writing about this.